


walking in time

by gyufire



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Car Accidents, Drunk Texting, Eating Disorders, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Kinda, Sad, Songfic, Sugar Daddy, Tinder, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vandalism, alternative endings, everyone gets a diff type of text form yay, hooking up with strangers, inspired by the walking in time mv, it's really fucking sad i'm sorry, sad timez with the boyz, sy hj and jy are brothers, the ships are very subtle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2020-07-20 06:00:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19987276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyufire/pseuds/gyufire
Summary: [...]even though they say time makes things bettereven though they say it remains a good memory





	1. juyeon

it was the winter break, no one had classes or work, so they all decided to spend a few days in a rented place on the countryside, to relax and remember the times when they were younger and less worried about life, seeking the chance to feel like they were just boys, and nothing more.

through the days they had loads of fun, watched way too many movies, ate way too much sweets and made a mess of their sleeping schedules, but nonetheless, they had fun. and in one of the lazy afternoons they spent, all twelve of them scattered in the living room, some sleeping and some watching as changmin and eric battled in a match of just dance, jacob pointed out that they were almost out of snacks and still hadn’t had a nice barbecue party.

with most of them agreeing, they deemed necessary a trip to the grocery store. naturally, the one supposed to actually drive there was decided through rock-paper-scissors, having juyeon as the loser. the brunette left the place pouting, and they sent him of with an odd feeling of dread, as if the fog had thickened. haknyeon said he felt sick and excused himself, no one understood the reason, but they all seemed to share the feeling of worry.

first they were worried that juyeon wouldn’t remember to buy everything he was supposed to at the store. then they worried that he had gotten into trouble on his way there, maybe with his documents, or he didn’t have any money on him. but kevin remembers throwing his id at him, and hyunjae actually gave him his card to pay for the food. 

then they got worried that juyeon was mad at someone, but he left with a joke and a promise to buy ice cream for the younger boys and beer for the old-enough ones. juyeon wasn’t one to pull pranks like this, it had been three hours already and no sign of the boy.

that’s when chanhee ran to the window because he swore he heard sirens. and now they were anxious, all of them calling juyeon’s number and texting him, but sunwoo came out of their shared room with juyeon’s phone in hand.

then sangyeon’s phone rang. no one ever called him on that number, unless it was an emergency. 

he answered the phone, putting it on speaker and all of them waited.

“hello is this lee sangyeon?”

“yes”

“sir, you are listed as lee juyeon’s emergency contact, do you know him?”

“y-yes”

“sir i’m really sorry to inform you but there has been an accident-”


	2. sunwoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything has changed  
> it’s the same thing as before

it had been a few months since it happened, and although after the funeral sunwoo never spoke to any of his friends, he still wondered if they blamed themselves as much as he did. he could have went along with juyeon, or they could have went to sleep earlier, so he would’ve been more awake while driving. he thought of all the scenarios in which it wouldn’t turn out this way and laughed bitterly, in his mind, he should have been the one on the bottom of that hill.

juyeon had been the first person to teach him how to play soccer, taken him away from fist fights in alleys and put him in a team. introduced him to amazing people who taught him how to turn all of his anger into something good. but now it was all worthless, juyeon wasn’t here to see him destroy his own life.

sunwoo did see some of them a few times. first, he looked at chanhee in the eyes as he stole a pack of ramen from the convenience store where the older worked at. by the way chanhee’s eyes looked glassy, he guessed the pink-haired man knew what he was doing, just didn’t care enough to call him out.

then, he saw a dude trying to take advantage of younghoon, right outside a club in hongdae, sunwoo left the dude unconscious, bleeding out of his month, but didn’t exchange a word with his hyung. he just looked at the male with a cold glare, wiping the blood in his face with the sleeve of his jacket, younghoon just stared back at him with a tear-stained face, visibly shaking. sunwoo took off the sweater he had underneath his jacket and offered it to the man and as he started to say something, sunwoo turned around and left.

then he underestimated the jackass who insulted him, thinking he could win that fight by himself, but he ended up almost passed out, dragging himself to the only place he knew in that neighborhood, which turned out to be kevin’s place. the canadian opened the door for him, ushered him to a seat in the kitchen, fixed his bruises and made him tea, but they never spoke a word. sunwoo couldn’t help but notice that the house he remembered, colorful, full of kevin’s art and his supplies was replaced with a dull, almost entirely white place, with no life nor warmth. when kevin went to return the first aid kit in the bathroom, sunwoo made his way out, leaving his empty cup in the sink and a note with a “thank you” and the sun kevin had taught him how to draw.

sunwoo hoped that the rest of them turned out better than him.


	3. kevin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [...] I’m quietly sitting here, taking out all our memories  
> Lingering hear this spot by myself [...]

right after it happened, when kevin went back home and had to start again, he grabbed his sketchbook and his pencils, sat on his living room floor and drew a portrait of juyeon. his drawings usually took a few hours to finish, but this one, he wanted it to be perfect, he needed to make sure he never forgot his face, the shape of his eyes, the straightness of his nose. 

it had to be perfect. so he worked, losing all sense of time, only seeing the sun set and rise and set again, his hands felt numb and he wished for the numbness to spread through all his body, but it didn’t. it only hurt more, as he polished the details of the drawing, it did end up looking exactly like juyeon, because it wasn’t hard to remember his face. every time kevin closed his eyes, he could see his friend, sometimes it was the boy smiling, joking around at someone’s place, other times it was him dancing gracefully and unfortunately, sometimes it was just him, laying there, surrounded by all sorts of flowers, looking rather peaceful, but dead.

kevin finished the drawing after too long, collapsing from tiredness immediately after. when he woke up, he hung the drawing right in the middle of the art board on his bedroom wall, where juyeon seemed to be smiling brightly at him whenever he entered the space. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all, maybe he could live like that, with fond memories of juyeon and all of them supporting each other.

but then a week passed and all of kevin’s drawings seemed to suck.

after a month he stopped drawing in paper, only making little doodles on his ipad.

in two months, he could feel his hand cramp sometimes because the muscles were shrinking.

kevin felt sick to the stomach every time he saw his supplies or even his art pieces hanging around the house. the only one that seemed to comfort him was juyeon, smiling softly in his bedroom. the other ones were disgusting to him, he couldn’t stand them, they angered him so much that one day, arriving home late at night from class, he ripped the big drawing of beyoncé’s hold up music video from the living room wall. juyeon liked that one, but he wasn’t here to see it being thrown away.

kevin saw the white wall behind it, dull, lifeless, yet it seemed right, he thought he deserved it, everything should be as colorless, dull and lifeless as he felt.

so he ripped the pikachu eric drawing too.

and the painting of hyunjae in the tub.

and the picture of jacob with the bubbles.

he ripped all of the colors, paintings, drawings, pictures and other decorations he had around the house. as he did so he started crying, having to stop working because his sobs got too strong to keep standing up. he lowered himself to the floor, watching the pile of paper on the floor, almost towering over him, all the effort and time he spent on those wasn’t worth it when he knew he would never get his family back.

his house was now naked of life, he had gotten rid of all traces of his past.

all except the one drawing of juyeon in his bedroom wall.


	4. changmin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [...] Without you, I feel so empty  
> I can’t do anything without you [...]

changmin didn’t know what time it was, in fact, he had no clue of the date either, hell, he didn’t even know where the fuck he was, leaning against a lamppost, holding a bottle of beer and his dead phone. he decided to walk around for a bit to see if he could find an open store or his way home.

the sky was turning pretty shades of pink as the sun started to rise on the horizon, and changmin looked at it and the fading stars instead of looking at the road he walked through, earning some rude honks from the passing cars. when he looked around him, both to glare at the early riser who startled him and to situate himself, he recognized the place around him.

in the middle of the busy city and tall buildings, stood a tiny, calm and flowery church, wooden and white, with one bell and pretty tinted-glass windows, with the somewhat spacious graveyard behind it circled by some trees and a white fence. changmin knew this place. he had been here for the first time 3 months ago, and again every week following. 

the pink haired boy made his way around the church and into the graveyard, knowing by heart the way already, two rows up, five rows left and there it was.

lee juyeon

1998-2019

you still remain with us

there were fresh flowers next to the tombstone, signalling that he wasn’t the only one to drop by. probably their mother did. he sat on the grass in front of the grave, legs crossed and hands clasped.

“hi again juyeonie”

“it’s changmin. there are pretty flowers here so i think your mother came by yesterday.”

“which means it’s monday now. i don’t really know. don’t be mad at me, but i haven’t been sleeping much, or going home, or been sober”

...

“everytime- everytime i sober up i feel pain. it hurts a lot. i miss you a lot. so don’t be mad at me”

“there’s a baseball here. i think eric left it. haven’t seen him-”

“i haven’t seen any of them actually”

“but i saw on instagram that younghoon cut his hair”

“you know how your mom and your brother drop by every sunday? yeah, in the beginning i thought we would all come along. if we had stuck together things wouldn’t be so shitty now”

“maybe someone could’ve helped jacob to cover his scholarship” 

“nowadays it’s just mrs. lee and sangyeon after the mass, and then me at some point during the nights, and apparently eric”

“he’s the only one i haven’t heard of doing something stupid”

“which is surprising. he was head over heels in love with you”

“but you didn’t know that”

…

“juyeon i miss you so- so much.”

“i love you, and i love every single one of them, even if i don’t understand kevin’s jokes or if younghoon doesn’t love me back”

…

“[...] Without you, I feel so empty I can’t do anything without you [...]”

changmin was woken up by the gravedigger. it wasn’t the first time it happened, so they weren’t shocked or spooked. just pitiful.

changmin thanked them and apologized and made his way home. he knew the way from there. 

even if he knew he’d show up at the same place again in the following week, he still tried to say goodbye.


	5. chanhee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [...] Time won’t pass without you no  
> You still remain with me, you hurt me [...]

as soon as it happened, maybe in a week, juyeon’s family removed all of his things from their shared apartment. hyunjae let him go through some of the stuff to see what he’d like to keep and sangyeon covered juyeon’s half of the rent for the following month.

but chanhee took a while to announce the room, or look for a new roommate. he felt like the empty room and all the clean shelves served as a reminder and a healthy way to mourn his friend.

yet, after two months, he put up a flyer in the campus’ news board and a few people dropped by. he selected a boy who studied engineering, had some friends, but promised they wouldn’t be over that much, and the most important part is that he didn’t try to become friends with chanhee, just a roommate.

not that it would have mattered. chanhee wasn’t home often. 

before… everything, chanhee used to work a few hours in a café and other few in a convenience store. after, he took the entire afternoon shift on the café, started doing the midnight to morning shift at the store and worked at night as a waiter at a restaurant. he still went to his classes in the morning and slept whenever he could.

he never sees his roommate at home, and when he does, the boy gives him a pitiful look and offers coffee.

the good part of working so much is that he got to keep a log of where almost everybody was, because they crossed his path a lot. the bad part about it is that he had to see how they where doing.

kevin came to the café weekly - wearing all black clothes with his hair now brown, with no styling - smiled weakly at him and ordered a simple iced americano. weird. there was no pizzazz, no tye-dye shirt, no obnoxiously sweet and detailed drink, not even a new project he was working on hanging from his bag. just a plain look and dark coffee.

his encounters with younghoon are mostly funny. the boy drops by at the mart, tries to be discreet about the bottle of lube and condoms he’s buying, but has to face chanhee, one of his best friends for the greatest part of his life, on the counter. chanhee bursted out laughing the first time, with younghoon red in the face, all the other times, too many times, they laugh a bit at the situation and the taller walks away. chanhee can’t help but remember all the times they spent hours at his and juyeon’s place, hearing younghoon babble away about how he wanted to settle down and live a happy and domestic life with one, specific, squirrel faced boy.

he doesn’t think changmin remembers seeing him that night, after all, chanhee could smell the booze in him all the way from behind the counter. the boy was buying a few snacks, a bottle of cheap wine and a flower. chanhee didn’t even know they selled flowers there. chanhee held the bottle back, he couldn’t let changmin destroy himself further, instead, he put a grape juice along with the rest of changmin’s stuff and let him go, wondering the reason for the flowers.

chanhee cries when he sees hyunjoon. he can’t really recall how it happened, but he finds himself sitting in the staff room floor from the restaurant he works at, sobbing into his own arms. outside, hyunjoon sits pretty, with very expensive clothes and fancy champagne, smiling sweetly at the much older man sitting in front of him, paying for their meal. when chanhee goes back to work, he sees hyunjoon’s smile fall as they lock eyes, but they younger boy quickly recovers himself and turns back to his companion. 

he pretends he doesn’t see sunwoo, he knows the boy ever since he moved in with juyeon four years ago, and he knows where he came from, so he pretends he doesn’t see him enter the store and leave without paying for whatever it is he got. he also pretends he doesn’t see the boy’s purple-ish left eye and all sorts of bruises up his arms.

jacob actually goes after him, one rainy afternoon, asking if he can sit with him for a minute. they nurse their teas for a few minutes observing the rain outside, and jacob tells him why he’s there, he’s going home, and this is his goodbye. they sit there till chanhee’s break is over, holding hands and looking out the window. jacob promises he’ll be back, chanhee smiles at him and gives him one last hug. he probably won’t be back.

chanhee never sees hyunjae after they moved juyeon’s stuff, but he finds him on social media. hyunjae seems to be doing okay, in japan, working on a nice job and posting lots of pictures on pretty places with many new friends. but chanhee scrolls down to find that all the pictures he had before, with his friends, with his brothers or even himself, had been deleted, and he had also stopped following all of them.

sangyeon, on the other hand, drops by the café often. he was the one to actually find the job for chanhee in the first place, as it was near the office the older worked at. sangyeon 

buys himself a bagel and a cup of coffee every weekday at 3pm sharp, sits on the high stools on the counter and chats with chanhee for 10 minutes, before going back to work. the younger is grateful for the small bit of normality, but he can’t but wonder if that bagel is his hyung’s lunch, and exactly how much are they both lying to each other when they say that “everything is ok”.

haknyeon and eric are the only ones he doesn’t recall meeting, but they were the most cheerful out of the twelve, and chanhee remembers the both of them urging everyone to “smile for juyeon” during the funeral, so he assumes the both of them are ok.

someone has to be.


	6. younghoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [...] Now I have nothing  
> I don’t even have you by my side [...]

**(01-30-19) 22:54**

**jujuonthatbeat:** hyung, come to the rooftop we’re having beer

**(02-08-19) 03:18**

**bbangbbangbbang:** hey

its been a week

i think your brothers moved your stuff to your parents’ place

chanhee must be alone now

i hope someone drops by to check on him, hes gonna overwork himself

ju we all miss you a lot, i hope you know that

i mean, you won’t get this messages unless ur phone went with you to heaven

lol now im thinking abt iphone heaven

u would laugh abt that

anyway i hope they don’t cancel your number

so i can always tell u stuff

**(02-26-19) 01:15**

**bbangbbangbbang:** juyeonie 

fuck

i am doing bad bad things

the last thing u told me was to fucking tell him

i just saw him, he was so, so drunk

changmin used to go w u to drink, he never drank alone

he didn’t see me, thank god

i look like a mess

**01:48**

i’ve been going out a lot

didn’t tell you that

remember our first year in college when u would spend the whole night winning drinking games

never told u where i was during those parties

i mean, u guessed, but u never judged me for being like..

for being a whore

thank you

ur a great friend juyeon

**02:08**

im kind of doing that again

a lot

**3:55**

im sorry

  
  


**(03-05-19) 23:47**

hi juyeonie

tinder is great

you would blush at something like that but i’ve had more dick than food in my mouth for the past few weeks

don’t worry im being very responsible about it

except for that one time someone...

not important

hey remember when changmin and hak built a fort in hyung’s living room

that was so elaborate

i remember that sangyeon-hyung didn’t take it down for like a week

it was cute

i almost confessed to him that day

guess i should have done it huh

i thought there wouldn’t be a “too late” moment

but 

**(03-09-19) 01:46**

hi

today is hak and joon’s bday

you always made dinner for their bday

i hope they eat well even if it isn’t ur food

ur food always tasted great 

**03:19**

just got home

i was with this dude

he was nice ig

i think that if anyone of our friends saw me they would be so fucking embarrassed

im a mess

i don’t think anyone is doing that bad

i really miss them

and you

i wish i could go back

fuck

**(03-25-19) 05:43**

i think sunwoo just saved my life

but he 

juyeon i know we met in college and you met him in high school 

i know what he used to be like

i think he does that again

at least he’s getting money

this sweater is really nice

its balenciaga lol

i don’t think i’ll manage to return it

sunwoo used to be so cute

i miss him

**(04-08-19) 20:25**

something bad happened but i would never text you that

never

we all miss you

a lot

**(05-15-19) 07:45**

i miss you juyeon.

**(06-19-19) 09:38**

i miss you juyeon.

**(07-05-19) 04:02**

i miss you juyeon.

**(08-27-19) 05:43**

i miss you juyeon.


	7. jacob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [...] Even though they say it remains a good memory  
> I wish time would heal me [...]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from now on the sun will shine brighter i hope

Dear Mr. Bae

We are very sorry to inform that your Sportive Scholarship Program has been discontinued due to misconduct regarding the participation in your assigned activities, thus we ask for your cooperation in the process of cancelling your Majoring Program.

The university understands the circumstances of the situation at hand and sends it’s deepest condolences. We hope to be of assistance in the times of grief, but there is no form of breaching protocol.

Best Regards,

Seoul University of Arts International Office

Along with the formal letter came a note.

Jacob,

We had to do this since you dropped the basketball team, but you can still continue, you only have to get back on track and take Juyeon’s spot as captain, then you’re good to go, please drop by the office to talk, we can work this out, we can’t let a brilliant student like you go. I know you’re in a difficult moment and you’re mourning, but please consider.

Lots of love,

Mrs Park

jacob folded both the letter and the note neatly and put them next to all his documents. he knew it was coming and he wasn’t surprised, he would go to the office but he was ready to pack his things and go back to canada, it wasn’t like staying here would help him in any way, even his mother understood it when he called her.

taking a look at the dorm room, there weren’t many things to pack and honestly, he didn’t want to take with him some of those things. he felt like they belonged to other people. so he started to sort them out, by categories and by memories, having to stop sometimes to dry the tears that fell. the activity that could have taken him three hours to finish ended up taking an entire day cause every time he found something that reminded him of his friends, he had to stop, sit down and relive the memories.

like the sweater that chanhee bought him, which reminded him of the day when they went to the mall to do an impromptu fashion makeover on him, because he dressed “too canadian”, where they ended up buying way more clothes for hyunjoon than for him and got kicked out of two department stores. that day happened barely a month after he moved to korea and yet he still remembered it vividly, all 12 of them, happy.

he also had to pack an entire box of his basketball clothes and trinkets, which he brought with him from canada, mostly, but were all marked by his family from korea, like the michael jordan poster that juyeon had scribbled a “ball is life” somewhere, eric drew a dick and wrote “boohoo baseball is cooler” next to it and sunwoo contributed with the chaos with “it’s soccer losers”. or all the sneakers that were worn out from hours and hours of practice, tiring and yet always fun, always filled with laughter and passion.

jacob passed the scholarship program to come study in south korea and play basketball, he stayed here because of juyeon, because he was just as passionate as him and a better captain than jacob ever dreamed of being, and this wasn’t the only sport he played! jacob and juyeon had played together for three years and were praised for being a “perfect duo”, gaining lots of attention in university championships, but jacob had the feeling that he was only good if he played along with his friend, so he accepted calmly the reality of going back home.

he stayed calm after he finished packing and going through the process of officially dropping out, he was calm when he tried to reach out to his friends to say goodbye, only managing to find a few. 

and he was calm during the flight, he wasn’t ashamed of sobbing in his brother’s arms when he picked him up at the airport, and he felt peaceful when his mother let him sleep in her bed and cry in her lap, like a small child.

he would have to start a new chapter, but he hoped to never forget the special memories he made, and more so, he hoped fervently that all his friends lived a happy life from then on.


	8. hyunjae

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [...] time won’t pass without you no  
> you still remain with me, you hurt me [...]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long

for the nth time, hyunjae woke up in a cold sweat, sitting in bed and trying to rub the sleep and the weird feeling off of his eyes. almost every night since he moved, he’d been having trouble sleeping, getting as little as two hours of sleep per night, always being woken up by his dreams.

the dreams weren’t nightmares, he wishes they were. instead, he kept on dreaming of the most cherished memories he had, and then the last memories from his family and friends, not as happy but still precious to him.

and tonight it wasn’t different, he dreamt of holding hyunjoon in his arms as the eleven of them sat in a circle, during the funeral, all devastated and crying, but still together. as he got up to drink some water, the memories of the day came back to him, he remembered everything as if it was yesterday.

-

as soon as everybody had settled back into normal life, or as normal as they could, hyunjae asked his company for a unit transfer, hoping to move away from the city filled with hurtful memories. he couldn’t bear walking to work and seeing juyeon’s old apartment building, nor the italian restaurant were him and his brothers would go to, once a month, along with their parents. 

and he managed the transfer, to japan, of all places. and he tried to start again, he tried to build new friendships and be happy again, but at night he was reminded of who made him happy, and he ran away from them.

he had cut off all the memories, deleted pictures and unfollowed people, because everywhere he looked, there were pieces of his brother, in their old posts, in kevin’s tweets and in haknyeon’s username, even.

but at least there’s the peace of hearing about them sometimes. sangyeon would call him from time to time, tell him about chanhee working, or jacob sending a letter, small things that made him believe they were fine back home.

because he wasn’t doing fine, and he didn’t want anyone to see him being so miserable, and in his mind, he was sure that him, running away and hiding, was the worse way of dealing with the loss. but for now he settled with living his life, smiling through the day and crying himself awake at night, longing for his old life.


	9. hyunjoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [...] I try putting on new clothes  
> But your scent still remains [...]

“that’ll be 1206000 won, sir, how are you going to pay?”

“oh it’s on me, here’s my card, ma’am”

hyunjoon smirked at the cashier and the woman, seemingly used to the arrangement, only smiled back at him. once the transaction was done, hyunjoon and his companion - hyuk-something - walked back to the black mercedes parked in front of the store, hand in hand.

hyunjoon sat in the passenger seat, snuggled in the faux fur coat he wore, and put on some music, placing an strategic hand on the driver’s thighs. the old man smiled and glanced at him quickly.

“you’re a feisty one, hwallie” yes, hwall, not hyunjoon, because he’s not stupid and about to get himself murdered, so no one knows his real name. he smirks up at the man and squeezes the leg he’s holding, the old man laughs at him and resumes talking “i can’t treat you right today, baby boy, i’ll drop you at your place, ok?”

hyunjoon blinked a few times and faked a pout, whining to the man, who only laughed as he pulled up to a parking spot in front of a luxurious apartment building. the two bid their goodbyes with a quick kiss and hyunjoon stepped out of the car with all of his shopping bags.

as he made his way up in the elevator he saw his reflection in the mirror and cringed, not because of his appearance, he still looked as beautiful as ever, but he felt disgusted seeing what he had become, a spoiled, used and immoral sugar baby. sometimes, when he entered his home, the cringe faded away by seeing the beautiful place he could afford with his gaining, but not today.

not when he had made the mistake of walking through the shady part of town on his way to one of his “meetings”, and had unfortunately crossed paths with a familiar face. he was grateful that sunwoo didn’t see him, otherwise they would probably exchange some insults, not because they meant it, but because he knew how sunwoo operated.

he knew sunwoo was like that, a heathen, and still, the two had been inseparable through high school and the beginning of college, until juyeon…

hyunjoon decided not to dwell on it for too long, he always felt cringy about his current life when he remembered his late friend because he knew that wasn’t what juyeon wanted for him. juyeon had a good heart.

juyeon wished for all of them to be happy.


	10. haknyeon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [...]The clock hands hold onto me  
> Feels like I’m being pushed[...]

everytime haknyeon tried to put food in his mouth, his eyes would fill with tears and his throat would close as if even the nicest foods were disgusting and sickening to his body. but then he’d look into the mirror and see cheeks, which were once full and soft, now sunken and dull and eyes that always sparkled with life, now sad and glassy.

he had grown up chubby, always being nicely fed by the old ladies from the neighborhood and praised for eating well. and when his teenage years passed by he started to feel bad for his fuller figure, he started to eat alone in school and start crazy diets every time a comment thrown around made him feel bad.

his salvation came through basketball. he didn’t play it to lose weight, but instead he played it because he enjoyed it, and because he felt welcome in the team, all his hyungs were nice and bright, helping him learn and improve, so it was to no one’s surprise that the day he passed out during practice due to fatigue, because once again he had been trying to diet, his teammates boiled in worry. his most impactful memory of that day was juyeon, team captain, all tall, broad and handsome, worrying over him and nearly force-feeding him his sandwich, like a mom.

since that day juyeon adopted a philosophy, the “hak eats first” method, as he called, in which he would only eat if the younger had already eaten. going as far as bringing him food from home, and always reassuring him that he was healthy and handsome. even when most of them moved to college and haknyeon and sunwoo stayed behind for a year, juyeon would still invite them over to cook and watch haknyeon eat. and finally when all of them were in college together, juyeon and haknyeon would drag their friends to different restaurants to eat new food every other weekend.

juyeon also cooked well, and in haknyeon’s birthday, which he shared with hyunjoon, the older would cook up a big barbecue party and invite all of their group along, to celebrate. so now, with no juyeon in their lives, haknyeon didn’t put a single piece of food in his mouth on his birthday. at least he hoped hyunjoon had eaten something.

in fact, haknyeon couldn’t even remember what was the last thing he ate, or when he ate. he knew he must have eaten something lately, otherwise he wouldn’t be standing, but his mind was blank, thinking about food made him nervous, so he’d rather stop trying.

his entire life had been ruined by his fucking lack of control, he grew up fat, couldn’t make friends because he was busy eating. and now he couldn’t even bring himself to eat something, because he didn’t know how to do things by himself without juyeon.

juyeon. he had been the only moment of haknyeon’s life in which the younger was at peace and happy. sometimes haknyeon tried to eat as a form of respect for his hyung, sometimes it worked, others it would come back up later. but at least his body knew that juyeon was the reason he had ever been happy with himself.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my sad boi hours coping mechanism i'm sorry
> 
> hmu on twt gyuitgotit


End file.
